Penny Pinchers can suck my balls

Before I regale you with my story (and it is a story....it is not a rant. A rant is a venting of vitriol....this is a story filled with righteous fury - there is a difference), let me set up the backdrop. It is a snowy, miserable day, and the store is a London Drugs. Now London Drugs is not a grocery store per se, but it does sell the odd grocery. For what reason I don't fucking know....I guess they figured to milk the tit of the odd product that they thought was grocery gold. I guess selling drugs alone got a little stale and they wanted to spice it up, but that's neither here nor there. We are in London drugs, picking up a bottle of bleach. Clothes bleach in case you were wondering, not the kind you make Meth with. It's a pretty simple pickup and I figured it would be a 2 minute stop, tops. "Nuh-uhhhhhhh", I hear you say....let us pick up the story from this point.
We stand in the checkout line to purchase our bleach. It is your standard Xmas time checkout staffing - only 3 cashiers working with about 30 people waiting. We're second in line, and I'm thinking we're out of here anytime soon. The guy ahead of us is checking his stuff through, everything seems to be going well when all of a sudden the process of checking out items stops. This guy is holding up a can of generic Spam, and he is disputing the price. Apparently he saw it in the catalogue for 50 cents cheaper. Now he's arguing it with the woman, and she gets the walking pimple of a grocery assistant to go check it out. He comes back and informs the dude that he is in fact wrong, and the price is being rung in correctly ( I may be a little sketchy on the exact wording of this exchange - I was mesmerized by the amount of pustules and bacteria that were existing on this guys face simultaneously - If someone were selling Clearasil shares at that point, I would have sold the farm investing). At this point, he gets huffy and says fuck it, he doesn't want the 2 cans of generic spam, and has her void the purchase.
OK, now let's break this down here. Firstly, the difference here is a grand total of $1. If you want to get picky, I guess $1.06 by the time GST is figured. You're truly telling me that that 50 cents a can is too rich for you all of a sudden? That a can of Spam is worth eating if it is $1, but not if it's $1.50? It offends you so much, that you won't buy it at that point. Maybe he was merely shopping for someone else, and was under strict instructions, "Honey, if you're at the store and you see generic spam for less than $1.50, pick me up a couple of cans, would you? But if they're more than that, then fuck it". Maybe if it was the genuine SPAM he would have been more flexible. I mean let's face it, Spam tastes like shit to begin with, so it's not like it's a luxury purchase ("Guess what Mom, I was accepted to Harvard!" "That's wonderful news Timmy! Bob, you pop a bottle of champagne, and I'll open a can of Spam") So the fact that you're buying it at all leads me to believe that you are one of the minority of sick fucks who enjoy spiced pork pressings. So if that's the case, wouldn't you be buying it anyway? Are you leaving it behind on principle? Because if that's the case, you're really sticking it to the man. If there's one thing I know about grocery stores, they really get their noses out of joint when you turn your back on a product at the til out of spite, especially one ringing in at the grand sum of $1.50. Stop being a fucking jew, and just buy your fake spam. These are the same assholes that will argue over the final price being rounded up to the nearest 5 cents instead of down. It's like 2-3 cents, get over it. This is made even stupider by the fact that he was wrong anyway. I felt like grabbing his can of crappy spam and beating his stupid face senseless, then taking it home and making a delicious Spam and furious backlash casserole. But being Xmas, I was full of good will towards my fellow man, so i merely gave him the condescending stare and continued on. Tis the season after all.

Amazing Revelations

Every once in a while, a person will come up with a revelation that just absolutely knocks you for a loop. Whether by careful scientific research, or a painstakingly long sociological experiment, they will discover information that really puts us on our asses and makes us think, "WOW...whoever would have known?!!!"
Well it has happened again. A woman (pardon me, a genius woman) has discovered, through a cleverly concealed camera, that men actually stare at her breasts when they think she isn't looking! I know it sounds far fetched, but she has the footage as proof to back it up. Whoever would have guessed that men look at women's tits when they are wearing extremely low cut necklines. Thank goodness this woman has discovered this, because I am sure it would come as a complete surprise to all of us. For decades these poor women have been wearing super deep plunging necklines that have their tits half hanging out, so that the breeze can properly circulate under them and ensure proper breast ventilation. I am positive that if women had been alerted to the male practice of breast staring they would have not worn those shirts, because surely they wouldn't want their hooters noticed....surely not.
I would like to nominate this woman for the monthly, "Thanks for telling us all what we already knew" award. Why the fuck do you think the push up bra was invented, dumbass? It was to encourage us to look at your chesticles. Hiding a camera to prove men look at tits is like hiding a camera in a toilet to prove people take a shit in there. Duh! Maybe you should hide that camera up your ass to prove to people you really have your head up there you stupid bitch.

Beware - The Perfect Storm

There's a phrase I can't fucking stand. It's become a catchphrase for the creatively challenged (oops - sorry for being so un-PC - instead of creatively challenged, I meant to say dumbshits). I am sick to death of seeing journalists who have no way with words resort to "the perfect storm". You hear it about once a week in any kind of sports writing. You hear it maybe once a month in any kind of political commentary. You hear it when douchebags are talking about a celebs publicity campaign. If a team plays a good game of football, or hockey, it was "a perfect storm of events". If a politician has a good week of campaigning, he's hit "a perfect storm of political events". Goddamn you George Clooney, and your fucking perfect storm (to date, the only instance of an actual perfect storm - kudos to Shooter McGavin for tipping us off). If the media is anything to go by, we have so many perfect storms flying around at any one time, it's amazing anything is firmly attached to the ground.
Can't we have a little bit of variety in our sporting/movie references? Let's declare a moratorium on the Perfect Storm. When a team has an awesome all round performance, where everything seems to go right for them, let's say it was a Death Proof performance. "Oh Boy John, the Titans performance tonight in destroying the Texans was little short of Death Proof" How about, "Stelmach really had the Libs on the ropes, bobbing and weaving all the pointed questions - it was really a Peewee's Big Adventure of events leading to the decisive win". Or maybe we'll see, "There has been an incredible amount of paparazzi activity surrounding Paris Hilton of late, between her Jail episode, and continued public drunkenness...it's a real Muppets take Manhattan of tabloid events"
For god's sake just give me one sports season where there are no perfect storms. Is that so much to ask? I swear to christ, the next time I see it written anywhere, I'll.....well, I won't actually do anything, but it'll create a perfect storm of fucking bitching, that's for sure.

The Curse of the Vegetable

No, I'm not talking about a dastardly retard. I'm referring to the often tiny, leaves and roots of plants that we consume because we are told they are healthy. In a bid to address my general state of health, I have been encouraged to include more vegetables in my diet (and yes, I acknowledge I am tempting the fate of dreaded cancer in the process, but I have a super immune system, so I figure I can handle it). So in the last few weeks I have been exercising more regularly, and have been upping my intake of vegetables. In that short time I have noticed a few things that can be directly attributed to the fibrous bastards. Firstly, if you are consuming a higher quantity of vegetable matter than usual, your colon isn't going to know what hit it. You're going to poop....oh yes, you will poop like never before. I know it's good for you, but come on. The money you save by preparing your own meals will be quickly offset by the cost of the additional toilet paper you will require. My advice is to buy yourself a good sized tree, and have it milled into thin sheets. It'll be expensive at first, but you'll reap the benefits in a year or two. My girlfriend could almost be a vegetarian with her veggie consumption, and she poops like 15 times per day.
Secondly, you're going to be constantly hungry. You'll consume a plateful of these things, feel full, and then 10 minutes later you'll be hungry again. Think of it in the same manner as Chinese food, except with no cute little sticks to eat it with, and no barely intelligible gent serving it to you. You also won't get any fortune cookies with it, and if you did, they'd probably say something like, "it's good for you asshole". At the very least you could use the fortune as an emergency ass wipe, since the toilet roll will probably be empty.
Thirdly, you're going to feel like a fag. It is well documented that meat makes you feel manly. It makes you feel like doing manly things, like popping wheelies in the parking lot, and shotgunning 20 beers, and punching people smaller then you in the face. It gives your belly a warm full feeling. The only manly thing vegetables give you the ability to do is fart. Oh believe me, you can peel paint after a night of broccoli and beans.
But I guess in the interest of good health, they're a necessary evil. So far it's baby steps, but it's going OK. I've expanded my repertoire to broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery, onion, all the coloured peppers, eggplant, the odd radish and some varying squashes. I've already seen a few pre-cancerous areas pop up, but my T-Cells are working overtime to destroy them.

Miniature Zen gardens are gay

I have no idea where we got it from, but in the cleaning up of the home front, we found this little box titled, "Zen gardening kit". It looked slightly amusing...it contained everything you need to make a miniature Zen garden....a little box, a bag of sand, a bag of stones and a tiny little rake. The object is to design your own rock garden, rake the sand into a design, place the rocks and achieve some kind of whacko oriental bliss. Well if building what resembles a miniature litter box is your thing, then go ahead. The sand is so shithouse, that it can't hold the pattern you make....it just falls in on itself again and looks like crap. And the stones look like enlarged balls of snot. Seriously, if you had a little toy plastic cat, you could sit it in this thing, and it would look like it had just taken a shit. The only "cosmic calm" it gives me is the peace of mind I get knowing I didn't actually pay anything for this piece of shit. Who the fuck thinks this shit is cool anyway? I've seen retarded kids make more interesting "art" than this. Zen. Zen is for fags. I'd like to kick the inventor of Zen right in the nuts. And then once this was all said and done, I was wondering how the hell is staring at a bunch of squiggly lines in sand and some rocks supposed to calm you anyway? If anything it would piss me off, as a constant reminder of gimicky shit that is fed to the world. A nice waterfall scene, or panoramic mountain shot gives me peace. Maybe a nice set of tits. Call me an uncultured slob, but sand and stones do nothing for me.

If you watch American Idol, you're letting yourself be duped

You'd have to be living under a rock to have not heard it. Sanjaya. After saying that name, you need say no more. His apparently terrible performances have angered the world, causing damn near everyone to be talking about it. It's on the radio, in newspapers, and being parodied on TV shows. Amongst all this talk, all I hear is people completely raining shit on this kid, and yet he seems to make it through each week. People attribute this to Howard Stern, and to Vote for the Worst and also to a large indian community rallying behind its own. People seem mad as hell that this guy continually makes it through, while more talented singers are sent home. Well don't take it at face value...you're being duped.
Firstly, American Idol is a ratings machine. The object of the show is not to find the next great pop singer. It's object is not even to find the next best marketable face. The object of American Idol is to force feed you 40 minutes of commercials in a 90 minute period, and to charge a ridiculous amount of money to do so. It's purpose is to rate as highly as possible so that TV execs can milk every last cent out of its advertisers. It is succeeding remarkably well. Now the show has been around for what, 7 seasons now? After that period of time, things start to get a little stale, and they need to add wrinkles to keep the public masses attention spans. So they show more and more horrible singers in the prelim rounds, they show even cattier response in the hope of being "edgy". I mean look at your judges for fuck's sake...Randy "I was the bassist in Journey (journey for christ's sake) Jackson, Paula "I'm a horrible singer, but can dance and be produced" Abdul, and Simon "i'm ambiguous in my sexuality" Cowell. Who the fuck are they to judge anybody, especially in talent? You keep hearing the argument, that if Sanjaya is so horrible, then how did they let him get to the round of 24? My answer is EXACTLY! They needed this nimrod in there....purely for the controversy. And it has worked perfectly. Everyone is talking about the show, way more than ever before. People are watching it, just to see how horrible he can be. They are watching it so they can be disgusted that he didn't get sent home, yet again. They are watching it so they can be outraged. And that's exactly what the American Idol producers want. The longer he stays, the higher the show will rate. I mean honestly, how can there be any integrity to a system that is won by voting, and then allows voters to vote as many times as humanly possible? If the producers were seriously concerned, they would invoke a system of voting that allowed only one vote per person. Then at least you'd have a better way (by no means perfect) of establishing who really is the most popular.
American Idol is a TV cash cow. Simon is threatening to quit if he wins, but he won't. He'll be voted out when there are 5 singers left. That way they'll get the most bang for their buck. Don't be fooled into thinking this is some horrible anomaly....this is very surely planned, and it is working perfectly.

The most pathetic thing I have ever seen

Last night confirmed something I have long suspected. Television has completely come undone....there is little but mindless bullshit being created these days. I used to think it was limited to uncreative, uninspired programs, but watching TV last night revealed something much more sinister at hand. Reality TV has revealed much about our society that we may have suspected, but never really realized the magnitude of. Your average American is fucking stupid. Well at least, they're portrayed as being stupid. I am talking about the most disturbing show I have seen on TV to date - Are you smarter than a 5th grader? I saw it last night for the first time, and it boggled my fucking mind. Firstly, the grand prize is one million dollars. The questions are rated just like in Who wants to be a millionaire, starting at $1000, and roughly doubling until it reaches one million. There are 10 categories, ranging from 1st to 5th grade topics, and you have 3 "cheats" to help you in case you're a moron. That's it. That's what you need to do to win a million dollars. Amongst the questions were these gems:
Q: If Y=3X, and 3X=12, then what does Y equal?
Q: If a circle has a diameter of 4", what is it's radius?
Q: An objects density is it's mass divided by what?
Q: On which planet would you be heavier - Mercury, Saturn or Jupiter?
Q: How many months have 31 days?
Q: How many letters are in the word yak (this was an aural clue)
Q: Which word in this sentence is the adverb ? (My father snored loudly and awoke my mother)
Q: Which continent is also a country?
Q: Which continent is home to the giant panda?

On EVERY one of these questions, the stupid bitch ummed and ahhed, doing the usual reality TV gymnastics they feel compelled to do in order to utterly convince us they are retarded and not just stupid. Seriously, THESE are the questions you need to answer to win a million bucks these days? And they still can't do it? Contestant after contestant constantly fucks up. Why is it that the american media needs to portray its people as total dumbshits at every possible occasion? Is it that that's just how they are? The majority of the country actually are that dumb? Or is it some ploy to convince the world they're stupid, so they'll be underestimated at every turn, so when the big showdown finally comes, they'll have a secret advantage we don't know about (shh, I think I see a black helicopter hovering silently outside my window).
It is genuinely disturbing to watch.
And aside from all that nonsense, what is it with yanks and precocious kids? They just can't get enough of them it seems? Whatever happened to a good old fashioned, quiet, respectful kid? Speaking when spoken to, keeping their nose down and their mouths shut? It seems with american kids, the mouthier the better. They laugh and eat that shit up...if my kid ever behaves that way he's getting 5 across the eyes.
I know deep down that the contestants for this show are thoroughly screened, and the dumb ones are weeded out to appear as contestants....I know the "must see" angle of the show is to allow us to ridicule these people for being idiotic, to feel superior at seeing their stupidity. But all it does is show the abundance of morons out there, as dozens after dozens of these douchebags parade their ignorance - and are happy as pigs in shit to do it! THIS is what is wrong with the world today....we reward the moronic and loudmouthed with hundreds of thousands of dollars to play the fool for our entertainment, and sweep aside the smart and hardworking. These people are the modern day court jesters, the fools to our kings. As long as the mighty dollar rules our hearts and our brains, these morons will be kings amongst us. I think this is finally the last nail in my TV coffin. The only thing I will ever watch again is Football and DVD's.